The Care and Feeding of Introverts

This week I was thinking about Introverts and Extroverts. This came about because we hosted some family I hadn’t met before and my wife who knows me well by now made a point of thanking me for making time for the family visiting. I initially simply responded with “Of course!” because I would do that for her since family and visiting is very important to her but what I had to remind myself was that she was recognizing that that act was, for me, one that required energy, one that cost rather than recharged.

One of the classic examples that’s given to distinguish between extroverts and introverts is the example of a going to a party. For an Extrovert, going to the party charges their battery. They interact and meet people and are energized and come back from the party feeling wonderful and looking forward to the next one. For the Introvert, going to that same part drains their batteries. They will meet those same people, take part in those same interactions and at the end of the night likely be drained of energy.

“Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell.” – Criss Jami

Of course, as with all things, most people exist on a spectrum. My daughter certainly has aspects of both characteristics. She told me a story recently from a trip she took to France. One evening she went out on the town on her own (at 19 – unthinkable for me at that age) and met the French equivalent of homeless kids. She practiced her french, learned that she was misusing some French (for example, when expressing that she was excited about something, apparently the words she used added an implication of sexual excitement that she had not intended – whoops!) but generally just enjoyed an adventure that would have terrified me for any number of reasons. At the same time, that same daughter will pull back from friends or family and go off to her room to recharge and do her own thing occasionally, so she certainly possesses aspects of both.

I always knew I was an introvert. My brother and father are strong extroverts and have made their careers in fields that require them to interact with new people on a regular basis – sales. This is a job that gives me the creeping heeby-jeebies when I think about it. It involves talking. To strangers. And trying to make them want something they may not want. All of these things are anathema to what gives me joy.

I recharge my own batteries when I can play on the computer or in my office or on whatever project captures my fancy from painting to household projects to programming to writing or playing games. All of which are, largely, solitary pursuits.

“Writing is something you do alone. It’s a profession for introverts who want to tell you a story but don’t want to make eye contact while doing it.” – John Green

I don’t recall the source, but I remember hearing about a metaphor for the circles of friends and family we have around us. In the center is me. Out from that are the very few folks I let in to my life with few or any security measures. These are the folks who can hurt me the most because I trust them and I don’t have defenses against them. As a result, I’m very picky about who gets to enter that circle. The walls are high and moat is deep. The membership list is very short.

Farther out, the circles get bigger. Close family and close friends then perhaps broader groups of friends and extended family. In each circle the walls are less substantial because the ability for someone in that circle to hurt me is reduced by virtue of the distance. I’ve no clue if everyone thinks this way or its just me. I suspect as with most things I’m not unique in this. But, it is a true thing that when I’m tired, when my batteries are low, there is a short list of folks I want to have near me and sometimes it’s just me.

When I was told that we were going to have family visiting, I responded with a gruff approximation of a misanthrope who wants nothing to do with anyone. And while I laugh and it’s largely a joke, I know there’s some small part of me that thinks it really feels that way. I don’t really think that part of me would truly be happy just being left alone, at least not for long, but I also imagine that part is not entirely rational. Fortunately, it’s still in the minority.

Recently my wife took a trip to Vegas with a girlfriend and I had the house to myself for four entire days and I filled that time easily with projects and anything else I wanted to do – all solitary pursuits. But, I did miss her and was happy when she returned. I tell her that I really enjoy that time alone for about the first four hours. Then I get lonely and wander the house and start talking to the dogs. With that I know that not even I, the introvert and the misanthrope really want to be left alone for long.

I value that my wife encourages me to spend time with family and makes sure that I’m a part of time spent with family. It is good for me. In the end, I enjoy it and I enjoy the family time, even if it drains my batteries and I need to recharge by going off by myself and doing something introspective.

The saving grace is it’s not an either/or proposition. I can spend a weekend entertaining guests and know that it will drain my battery somewhat but all I really need is an evening or two to recharge and life is good – sometimes just a good night’s sleep. Part of what makes that so is being with someone who accepts me for who I am and isn’t trying to change me and part of it is me simply accepting who I am and being okay that I’m an introvert.

I’ve no clue what the challenges are for an extrovert, maybe it’s being okay being with yourself, by yourself, but, that’s just a guess. I know I face challenges. I used to feel like an alien watching people interact and feeling like an outsider who didn’t speak the language, didn’t understand, didn’t get the back and forth of body language and the basics of human interaction that seemed so easy for everyone else around me.

But, like with all things, if you practice, you get better. And I got better. I don’t know if I learned to fake it or just learned what I didn’t know before. Perhaps at this point, that’s a distinction without a difference. Perhaps this is a case of “Fake It Till You Make It” and then realizing that I’m not afraid any more, I’m not confused. I have the skills and can bring them out and apply them when I need them. Those interactions may not charge me like they do an extrovert, but I don’t believe that’s obvious to the people I’m interacting with so, at that point, it doesn’t really matter!